Testing Yourself

Despite all of the outside validation, ten years ago I didn’t feel like a writer. I felt like I lacked certain experience, but I couldn’t figure out what I needed. More rejection? Maybe I needed more doubt.

Silly, but I’ve always been skeptical about writers who experience early success. Would they still write if they didn’t have encouragement? If critics hated their work, would they continue to write?

I didn’t know if I would be able to withstand rejection. Sometimes, over the past ten years, I’ve purposely looked for rejection. I’ve set myself up for failure as a test.

Do you have doubts about your work?
Have you ever tested yourself?

Comments

[James]

Sort of. Or at least, I've been tested early on. I wrote about it a few years ago. Rather than paraphrase or fill up your comments section I'll just put the link here.

http://jamespeak.blogspot.com/2004/06/wrong-field.html

[nick]

Blogging means that there is no Editor between you and your reader unless you place one there.

The Cop-in-the Head. I know I am on to something if I begin to experience a certain trepidation about where the writing is leading me.

The Cop-in-the Head is also known as the Peer Panel. I never really completely recognize the authority I have allowed them to assert over my writing. It’s not that I desire to be ostracized, it’s just that I hate that the small pretences necessary for civil relationships in life also creeps into my writing. You want a place where truth will not be compromised. There is no such place. But that’s the struggle.

Oh yeah, and that other struggle, the one against self-righteousness. So that even when you have found the truth, it’s not the only truth, and you have been acting the bully or the asshole with your version. Then it’s time to shut your trap and just listen.

[Ian Mackenzie]

Those are great questions, Laura.

I've been relatively serious about writing (in several of its forms) for about 15 years, which is approximately half of my life. I've had plenty of rejections, written a lot of weak material, and had my work reconfigured by a host of editors - some with talent, some without. During this period, my intense and youthful optimism about my literary gifts gave way to equally intense doubt. And the more I doubted my abilities, the more overwritten my work became.

It's only been in the last couple of years that I feel like I've broken through and begun to find my own, relatively consistent voice. It's like a fog has lifted and the dark art of writing has become a lot clearer and somewhat demystified.

Some of my more youthful writing will no doubt be some of the best I ever accomplish. But I find that with age and experience I'm more able to apply craft in a consistent and satisfying way.

Ian