Reconsiderations

Since my dramatic exit back in 2007, I haven't given all that much thought to theater. It's been as far from my consciousness as my apartment in Brooklyn. Only recently did I discover that I couldn't remember what street I used to live on. 73rd? East 73rd?

But something has made me reconsider theater, and I think I'd like to talk about it.

First of all, I have no qualms about my reasons for quitting. I was within my rights as a United States citizen to walk away from a career that made me horribly unhappy. Because my life experience was different, I felt like I didn't fit in. And it was true, I didn't. Since theater is a community art form, that made hanging out with theater people difficult. I don't think I was hard to work with, but I often felt disappointed by those around me. Maybe I just didn't speak up enough.

Then there were the endless discussions of why theater sucked, what everyone else was doing wrong, and how we (I) was getting a raw deal. Dwelling on the unhappiness depressed me. When it came down to the final year, I loved rejection because failing validated that I was right and they were wrong. While it was searingly painful at the time, now I think it's pretty damn funny.

So why on earth am I thinking about theater again? Well, it's not theater I'm thinking about. It's playwriting. Despite all the ugliness of theater, I loved playwriting. I miss it. I still do, but I'm not sure why. I loved writing dialogue in my room all day long. I loved describing images in stage directions. I miss it.

I didn't grow wistful until I came back to acting. When I moved to my tiny rural micropolis, I told my husband that I didn't want anyone to know I was involved with playwriting. But then came publicity for Project 1968, and playwriting was my last major achievement. It was mentioned in the article. But in my micropolis, no one saw it.

My husband and I acted in a cemetery tour and our sketch was well-received. From that, we got another gig for a dinner theater. Those experiences reminded me of why I loved theater.

We wondered if I should go back to acting. After all, I used to work professionally. It would be fun to try it again, this time without all of the pressure. I could do it because I loved it... And for no other reason.

I came to playwriting through acting. So reconsidering acting makes me think about playwriting again and how much I miss it.

Two weekends ago, I decided to speak to my Mother about all this. She's usually been supportive of my career choices and I feel comfortable talking with her. I told her everything that I wrote here. You can imagine my surprise when I was greeted by dead silence on the phone.

I know that silence. To verbalize it, you would have string a few words and toss in an obscenity. It would probably sound something like this: "Are you fucking kidding me?"

If I recall correctly, I broke the silence by saying, "Hello, are you still there?" Her response was a tight, "Yes, I'm still here."

I knew what she was thinking. Look at all the success you've had since you left.  Instead of charging submission/mailing fees on a credit card, you've paid off $10,000 in debt. You get published regularly. It's what your Dad always wanted, for you to be happy. Are you fucking kidding me?

Our actual conversation went like this:

Me: "Um, I know theaters are cutting back and it's even harder to get produced."

Her: "Yeah. Who goes to the theater these days?"

Me: "I know! And the economy really isn't good and nothing has changed and I still don't fit in with theater people and my memories of previous experiences still linger. But I miss playwriting and I used to be really happy doing that. It's not that I want to give up what I'm doing now and I don't want to put all my eggs in that basket but it used to make me happy. Before I got all professional and in weird struggles about New York and theater blogging and all that. I still want to write books, but I don't think I should just leave my past behind."

Her: "Well..."

That "Well..." was never followed up by anything substantial. But I also know that "Well..." very well.  My Mother doesn't go to the theater. She does, however, read books. Plenty of them. And to people like her, theater is something akin to moving from New York City to my tiny rural micropolis.

But I think about theater. I think about not worrying so much about what other people are doing, or agents, actors and directors. I think about continuing to blog about books, and not theater. I think about sitting in a room writing plays about anything I feel like, in any way I feel like, because that's what might make me happy.

Comments

[Patrick]

Interesting post, Laura. The nice thing is you can quit theatre (I've done it) and come back anytime you want (I've done it), in any way you want. Also, just because you want to write plays, or miss writing plays, doesn't mean you have to give up everything else you've been building, in terms of your writing career, or that you unsay everything you said and felt about theatre before.

I find it hard to give up theatre because sometimes it's just plain fun. That fun often gets left behind when we get serious about our "careers" and then the whole thing turns to misery. It sounds like you've been having a good time doing theatre, maybe partly because you've taken away a lot of the pressure and bad feelings, and just gotten back to the fun part.

Not a bad thing.

[Joshua James]

I came to playwrighting through acting also, so I know well what you mean ... I don't know that I can give you advice ... for me, it's been sort of a relief not to deal with theatre stuff, but there are for sure times when I miss doing theatre, when I miss working with friends.

I have a friend that I've known for quite some time, and my wife had a description for this friend (who is a rather unique person) ... she calls him / her "the most generous selfish person she's ever met" and it's an extremely apt observation of this particular person.

And that's often how I feel about theatre as an industry ... the most generous selfish person I've ever met.

If that makes sense.

[Elizabeth]

Laura:

Your cemetery tour is the type of theater that I want to see - something taken out of the black box entirely and put on in the light of day. It was beautiful and funny and a simple human expression of love and relationship. It is insanely watchable.

I've quit theater many times. In fact, I consider myself quit right now even though I've got about seven playscripts going. I've taken myself out of the business part of it and the trying to make it happen part - which were making me bitter and angry and resentful.

Anytime I think I'm only fooling myself about being out, I just hang out with someone who is totally entrenched in the system of trying to get work in the theater and the difference becomes very clear.

I'm just not built for that and never have been. And that's okay. I need to find other people who are built similarly to me or maybe I won't find them who knows? But I'd rather do it this way and be happy and see my family and feel connected to my friends and the community in which I live, than to be constantly trying to please or make whatever inroads I could with that "generous selfish person." What an apt description.